Fragmented Thoughts

Getting hurt is normal. Well yeah, when the wound hadn’t healed yet, it’s not. Nonetheless when you have the realization that it is normal, it is indeed ordinary. 

I’ve been hurt and went through what I call vindictive tendency. I wasn’t quite sure what to do then. It was a total flop. I am the one who got hurt and when I get even and try to make the person feel the wrath (LOL), I got hurt even more. It’s quite funny and I guess that’s how typical it is. Sometimes it’s automatic. When I get hurt, I want justice. But I know very well that when justice is at hand, the agony won’t end. Hence I learned to stop. I restrained myself from tolerating the anguish. It was great. I felt light and like what I always say, going down to one’s level won’t make us different. Thus I moved on.

They say that we should forget how life wronged us- the broken heart, the mishaps and whatever unthinkable things that had happened. Yes, it has always been a cliché that we should forget the past and move on, that we must throw all the painful memories that we, for a long time, kept in our memory box. But as easy as remembering and saying clichés, it’s easier said than done. 

I know that all points of our life are engraved in our hearts. There are those dark spots that created a dent that made it hard to put back into its original shape that even an overhaul isn’t enough to repair the damages. We can’t hide the detriment and the inevitable truth that it is still there and will be there at all events. However we can detoxify. It’s a matter of choice. The pain may not be wiped away. There may be a lot of things that would remind us of what went wrong but we can always divert. We could focus on the other details – the important ones. What had happened, happened. We must accept that life will never be fair. That no matter how we try to be as good as we can some forces will get in the way and will play the game hard on us. They will never get tired of battling until they see us falling on our knees, waving the white flag, crawling and begging for our lives to be freed. I guess it’s worth fighting for because I know at the end of the day we are the winners.

This is a reminder that I’ve grown enough to make the mistake again. It is a jest that would remind me that life should not be taken gravely. I must take it humorously that on a certain juncture of my existence, I tripped, got back up, and the best part is the realization that my life has a long-ago encounter that is now a laughingstock. 

I actually don’t like sweet dreams. They cause me pain especially when i wake up realizing that they aren’t real. It’s so exasperating that I so want to go back to sleep and return to my subconscious but not so subconscious mind and continue my journey there. What worsens the feeling is that the dreams haunt me for days! Shucks! I hate it when the inner part of me convince myself that dreams could come true and find myself wrestling with the thought as well. Hope is far fetched for most of my sweet dreams are impossible dreams. Well I guess this is the time when the only thing that I could cling to is a miracle. Lol. Miracle happens once in a while when you believe? Err. It’s still a good morning for me indeed! Hugs and kisses! *wink* :)

it’s really hard to put everything under wraps when all your heart want is to tell and express everything! what’s harder is to cover it all up and pretend that nothing’s wrong. what makes it worst is that your idiotic self absorbs and keeps the whole thing and what your facade wants to do is to act otherwise. 

i read this somewhere and i know a lot of people can relate to this, so i’ll just share and re-post it. :D (a re-post from someone’s blog, too. hihi)

I’m not sure if I’m always been the talkative one. Like if I oftentimes share what seems to be too personal for me. I’m not even definite if I’ve been an open book. Perhaps I am.

What I am certain is that my close and trusted friends know our situation at home. Yeah, it’s about home.  I will not go into details about what my family is currently into. It’s merely a normal problem I guess, and “we” all know that this day will come.

I am not in fact mad at anyone. Maybe I thought I was at first but it’s not actually anger – it’s sadness. I can’t and I don’t want to tell tales now for words won’t be enough. I do hope that I won’t be misunderstood. I would just like to reiterate and be tolerated, devoid with any pretentions, I’m not mad or annoyed at all, I’m simply sad.

Letting go is not as painful as moving on. It’s easy to let go. But when the “moving on” comes, it’s like going back to scratch. I’ll just be hopeful then that this will all be as easy as 123. 

When something’s lost, they always say that there’s something better that will come along. True enough. I’m sure that what comes after this is a whole lot better. *crossed fingers* 

I am not the type of person who confronts and spits everything I feel into someone’s face. I don’t actually ill-wish someone if he/she did me wrong. I can but I won’t. I always opted to keep things under wraps instead of telling it to the world. Yeah, at times I decide to uncover things to certain people, but in spite of my anger I choose to forgive, but too bad I don’t forget. It will forever be etched in my memory box. Maybe I’ll try hard to preserve the maldita-yet-soft-hearted-me, so I’ll try to keep silent and seal my mouth – not until I finish my entry.

I easily forgive. Yes, if “forgive” is the right word. I get mad, yet, I always give in to the “benefit” of the doubt. But I also get tired. I always wanted to see things in a good way. However, there are also certain things that forced me not to. Ugh! I don’t know what to condemn now. Is it the person? Is it the act itself? What I feel now is like meeting a person who belongs to the lowest form of life. It brings anxiety and fright. And what worsens the feeling is the disappointment that in spite and despite of how careful I am in dealing with people, I still bump into those who even without effort hurt me. *deep sigh* Life is really unfair.

I’ll lie if I’ll say I wish them well, because at this very moment, as what my heart wanted to impel, I can’t and I won’t. They don’t deserve it. They only think of themselves and only care about the things that could benefit them. Well thanks but no thanks for teaching me not to be like you.

“clears throat” – like as if I’ll talk. Lol!

I guess it’s not really a coincidence meeting someone who has an extraordinary behavior. It’s a part of our life’s plan. I mean whatever awaits me out there, these people will always be a part of that picture. They may be a pain in the ass, an exasperation to the fullest and seriously spoil my day, but they actually teach me. They made me evaluate myself. These people will always leave me asking myself “Am I like that?” Haha!

Self- centered, sycophants, know-it-alls, social butterflies, boastful shrimps, I’m-the-boss-thing (hehe) are just some of the people who left me gnashing my teeth. I met a lot of these “good-natured” people and I admit that they really get into my nerves like I want to cover my ears and tell them to “shut the f*ck up, you suck!” But yeah, going down to their level will not make us different from one another. Playing their games is just fair enough I guess. *big grin*

I don’t go for hypocrisy just to play “their games” I only go for shielding myself from their venoms. harhar. I’ll let them do their thing and I’ll work on mine. Haha!

Good night and sweet dreams! *xoxo*